Memorial Day Weekend in Utah

We decided to take a trip to Utah. We went to visit my family. We also went to drop my mother off, so she could catch her plane, and return back to Alaska to do what she needs to do as a Temple Matron. (My parents are in the Temple Presidency at the Anchorage, Alaska Temple.) 

My mother has been spending her precious time with me and my family -- away from my dad and her daily temple duties -- so she could help me through these most delicate last few months. She is my hero. May heaven bless her for her angelic qualities, and selfless service that she has rendered to my family in our time of greatest need. When I called her in the morning from the hospital -- almost 2 months ago now -- she threw her clothes in a bag, and she and my dad were by my side that same evening. When one of her babies is in need, she drops everything and comes to the rescue. Boy, how I have needed her. And I do not like to need anyone! 

My mom and I have learned a LOT together in this last little while. Some of our discussions have been pretty interesting. We have been allowed to be really close to the Spirit, and we seemed to be able to peel back the layers to some of the mysteries of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I think we have all had a new sense of the purpose of life, and the reality of death, with the passing of Charles. I find myself grateful, somehow, for the things I have been able to learn… it would be nice if you could learn such things without going through serious trials -- but I am afraid it does not work that way. 

Somehow -- despite the reason for my mom being with our family -- we still had fun, and enjoyed our time together… except for the first few nights, when she had to hold me, while I shook back and forth, in the fetal position, while I tried to keep breathing. In those moments, being held by my mother was like being held by Jesus. Good mothers are angels… my mother is about as angelic as they come. 

While in Utah, we stayed with my brother's family, which is always fun. The kids always love to play with cousins. My brother and I also had a great drive back home. He drove me so I would not have to be alone while traveling -- not a good idea right now. We also had lots of great discussions, and the kids enjoyed listening to Percy Jackson. Love you Brudder! Thanks, Mindy, for letting me borrow him! 

I was able to run a few times while I was there. I also stopped at an LDS church parking lot, to do lunges. People probably thought I was crazy, but I certainly don't care, I gotta do what I gotta do! While I was torturing myself lunging across the parking lot, I was determined to keep my eyes focused on the church steeple, rather than my feet. I am working on that whole, "Looking Up," thing, and less slouching. People probably thought I was even more crazy, because I was talking out loud to myself (well, not really to myself), with tears streaming down my face behind my sunglasses. 

I was crying because I was having one of those "Dang it, Charles!" moments. These moments come when I miss him so desperately that it feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, put in an oven, and cranked-up to the broil setting. Yes, it hurts. I did not know my heart could feel so violently hot, and volatile. The only pain to compare to the flaming in my heart would be the pain I have felt when pushing a baby out of my body. You mothers who have experienced natural childbirth would know the pain... you know that moment when the doctor tells you to, "Push through the burn," but you would rather die? Well, it kind of feels like that. 

On a happier note... there was a response to my burning, aching, heart. (There always is!) I was sitting on the church sidewalk, taking a break from my lunges, and after my heartache -- and even anger -- that I was feeling, I heard, "Mari, you are beautiful, and I am so proud of you." It was spoken as clear as day. I had to use my hand to wipe away the tears that poured freely. After a brief moment of watering the pavement with my eyes, I lifted myself off the curb, and I began lunging with even more vigor and drive. It seems to me that my tears are like a Charles-magnet. If I cry, then he comes to me, and then my sorrow is relieved with the power of his love for me. This kind of moment has happened repeatedly. My tears are like texting Charles' direct-line in Heaven. He always gets back to me, quickly. Who knew tears could be so powerful? 

I also got to spend some time walking around the temple grounds, and visiting with my Nan (my mom's mom). I had a sweet conversation with her, she told me some very profound words. My Nan is 90, and she has had a lot of experience with the death of dear loved ones. She told me that anything is possible when you have the Holy Ghost with you as a companion -- especially the Holy Ghost as the great comforter. (I have felt this in a miraculous way.) She also told me that we have "broad shoulders" which can carry the burdens placed upon them. I have always wondered why I was made so thick and sturdy… now I know. 

I came away from my Utah trip uplifted and edified in many ways. I have an amazing family, and I am so grateful to know that I am encircled in the arms of their love, no matter if they are near or far from me… I can feel their love. And I can tell you, Charles would never have been able to leave me -- even for Heaven -- if he did not know that I would be swarmed and warmed by the people I love. 

Thanks be to God for my family! 

Here are a bunch of pictures from the trip… 

Grandma and the kids...

Spring Flowers…