Running Away

Charles bought me new running shoes. We had gone out shopping together for new shoes on the Saturday before he died. We had also spent some quality time at the Whole Foods store, picking out some healthy food items, in an attempt to help Charles feel better, and healthier, and help heal his insides. He had not been feeling well for awhile. He felt like he was out of shape ... but it was so much more than that. (I will blog about that another day.)

I wore these shoes on a walk that Charles and I took the Monday night before he died. It was our last walk together. He requested that we be alone for our walk, so it was just us (and the baby in a stroller). We walked for a few hours. We walked, and talked, and enjoyed the beautiful Spring evening full of flowers and freshness. I loved walking with Charles. We seemed to solve all of the World's problems while we were together on the trails. This walk was no different. We talked about everything, and just enjoyed our time together. I had no idea that this was to be my last walk with him. There was no warning in my heart, no indication that I only had a matter of hours left with my sweetheart. I had no idea he would be gone from this world in the morning.

I wore my new shoes again the following morning, Tuesday, April 1st. The children had just left for school, and I was doing TaeBo in the living room. While I was kicking and punching, I could see Charles' reflection in the bathroom mirror. He was getting ready for work. I could see him brushing his teeth, and smoothing his hair. My body was burning, while trying to keep up with the intense workout. I cried out to Charles, "I am so tired of being chubby... I should not be this chubby!" And then Charles said words I will never forget, and I will always treasure. He said...

"Mari, you are beautiful. I am so proud of you."

Those were his last words to me before the ticking time-bomb -- the clot -- lodged into his lungs, and the morning took a turn from normal, to chaos. (I will write all about it soon.) I wore my running shoes to the Emergency Room.

These shoes -- my special gift from Charles -- have been carrying me out the door to go running almost everyday since April 4th. These shoes have been saving me.

I knew the moment I got home after leaving Charles' body at the hospital, that I had a new responsibility to take care of myself. I knew that I would need to get enough sleep, and water, and exercise, so that I could be as healthy, and happy, as I could be -- for my children, and for myself. There is one parent down, and only me to go -- I HAVE to last.

Each time I lace-up my running shoes, I repeat Charles' words in my head, "Mari, you are beautiful, and I am proud of you." As I pound my shoes on the pavement, and skip over rocks on the dirt trail, I can feel the power of Charles being proud of me. It is as if his love blankets my body with strength to move forward. The other day I was out running, and I just kept going and going for a few hours, because I felt so close to him, I did not want to stop.

As I have been out pounding the pavement, and the dirt trails, I see so many people along the way. I exchange friendly waves, nods, and I say, "Hello." Little do they know I am a recent widow trying to keep it together. I find myself wondering, as I see people running by, "What are they running away from?"

Aren't we all running from something?

For me, I run from fear, and worry, and doubt concerning my new life. I run to set my tears and emotions free, and to allow my body to feel alive after witnessing death. I run because it is when my spirit somehow conquers my body -- as if my body disappears for awhile -- and my spirit is set completely free. I run because I can still breathe, despite seeing my sweetheart's last breath.

I run away to be with Charles. It is my "alone time" with him.

I run so Charles will continue to think I am beautiful, and so he will continue to be proud of me.

I run to be free.

What do you "run" from...?