I Miss His Physical Body

I miss Charles' body. I know he is still around in spirit, but truly, it is not the same. Most of the time I can carry on without thinking too much about the physical absence, because his spiritual presence is so strong. But other days I just need a hug -- specifically from Charles. There is nothing like a warm embrace, with the person that you love more than anyone. I simply miss that kind of affection. Physical touch is a powerful thing. It was such a vibrant part of my life, and now it is gone. 

Don't take it for granted. 

Charles and I had a powerful chemistry. From the moment that we first danced, there was a great force that pulled us together. It was truly magic. There was such a comfort in his touch. One of my favorite things about him were his hands. His hands were really beautiful. They were strong, working-man hands. I loved holding his hand. It was so comfortable, and so safe. 

I miss that connection with someone. 

I miss having someone to share all of my weaknesses and strengths with. I could talk to Charles about anything, and he knew everything about me. I miss being able to share my thoughts, feelings, and ideas with him. I could say absolutely anything to him. I miss that emotional connection perhaps more than the physical, though I'm really not sure which I long for more. 

I just miss him here with me.

Honestly, sometimes the absence of his body makes me want to scream, because it is so shocking in unexpected moments. Sometimes I wake-up in the morning, and I am caught off-guard by the reality that my life has been completely changed, and I am physically alone. Things will be totally normal, and then I will just have this rush of feeling flood through my body, and I am reminded of my loss, and it can take my breath away. 

I mean, Charles is dead, for crying out loud. That is just plain stupid! 

I so miss his companionship, especially at the end of the day. He used to come home and we would talk about everything that happened in our day, the ups and downs, highs and lows. My days are my own now. Of course I share them with the children, and others, but it is not the same as sharing them with a spouse. I loved hearing all of Charles' intimate thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I loved the way his mind worked. I loved his zest for life. I loved talking with him for hours, and snuggling while watching a movie. 

I loved that he loved me, flaws and all! 

It is so sad to me that when someone dies, they become a memory. Everything that they were in life becomes frozen in time, in words, pictures, video, etc. I think it is especially hard when someone young dies, because there was so much life potentially ahead to live. It makes my heart a little sorrowful thinking of the things Charles will physically miss out on. 

For example, I went to a Cub Scout meeting the other day, with William. He will be turning 8 in April. While I was in the meeting, an unexpected wave of emotion filled my heart. I felt horribly sad that Charles was not there for William, to walk through the Scouting program with him, to take him camping, and help him with everything. Charles loved the Scouting program, and he was so involved with Daniel. It makes me sad that he will not be there for William and Henry. My heart aches the most when I have to go to functions like that -- to activities that were Charles' element, and not mine. 

There was another sad Scouting moment for me. It was an awards night. Daniel was getting a bunch of awards, and they had asked everyone to bring up their parents. But when it came to Daniel they said, "Bring up your mom." I felt very single in that moment, and it made my heart burn. I think I even said, "Dang it, Charles!" in my head. I felt sad, but I smiled as Daniel happily pinned his accomplishments on my shirt. 

There is just some hard stuff that comes up, from time to time. It is often unexpected. 

Life is still surprisingly good. But the good often comes on the other side of the hard. I try and keep my heart open to my feelings, and just embrace them as I go through them -- the happy, the sad, the pain, the joy -- it is all part of life. The emotions are just more intense in all directions now. 

Tonight, I just miss him, and that's as it should be. It is hard to live in mortality, awaiting the perhaps far-off day of our reunion. Experiencing life without your true love, is like being a bird with clipped wings. I have known what it is to truly love, and to fly. I am trying to heal my damaged wings, so I can one day fly again. 

One day at a time. That's the only way to move forward. 

I just wanted to record these feelings, because they are real. I am still feeling very happy, even in these moments of reflection, I am at peace. But I want to make it clear that I miss him, desperately. I always will miss him, until I am with him again. I just love him. And losing your love, your sweetheart, is perhaps one of the greatest trials in this life, and I feel it deeply. 

Today the physical separation is frustrating. 

He was a beautiful man. 

He thoroughly stole my heart.