The Answers Will Come

I wrote this post on March 17, 2014 -- just a few weeks before Charles died. As I read back over it today, I was reminded to trust my feelings. I have continued to have the feelings of "wait" before being hasty, and making large changes. It is not out of an inability to choose a course of action, but rather it is simply my choice to wait. Waiting IS a decision. When I say "wait" I do not mean to sit and do nothing, and watch out the window for an opportunity. But I do believe as I continue moving forward in faith with my family, continuing on with our current circumstances, doors will open to us, and a way will be made clear. For now, I am determined to enjoy exactly what life is, right where we are, because what we have now is good. Only time will tell what the future holds. Let me just add that once again, I feel the need to wait because something is coming... 

If there is one thing I am really bad at, it is being patient. I have a very difficult time waiting for answers. I want to know the solution to the problem, so that I can get to work at doing what needs to be done. Once I know the direction we are supposed to go, the work to get to the goal does not bother me. It is the waiting, the not knowing, it is being in "limbo" that torments my mind, and makes me worry, and fret. 

I am currently working on my patience skills. 

Lately, we have felt what we like to call "Divine Discontent". We are doing fine, things are trucking along just peachy -- but there is something, something, that makes us feel that change is coming, or needed, or imminent...

But we don't know what the change is! 

In moments like these, it is hard to know what moves to make. 

Do we go this way, or that way? Do we change this, or that? Do we stay, or go? 

We don't know. 

But there is something...something unknown. I can feel it in my bones. 

We just don't feel "settled". (Maybe there is no such thing as feeling settled?) I wouldn't know, we have never really been settled in our 14 years of marriage. We have always been in school, or renting houses, or living in a two bedroom home -- it is hard to feel settled in those circumstances. It is not for lack of trying! 

We have been very happy in all of our circumstances, but we have not felt like we have planted our "roots" somewhere. We have a desire to stabilize things, because our children are growing way too fast. Sammi has only 5 years left until college -- 5 YEARS! Yikes!

We just want to find home. Not just "a home," but "the home". We want to find a place that is just right for our family. We are not horribly picky, but it just has to feel right. And it is not that we are not content now, with what we have -- we are. It is not that we do not love having 1 bathroom for 6 people -- somehow we make it work. It is a miracle! But I confess, I (we) do hope for more one day. (One more bathroom would be amazing!) 

We are in a position to find a home, and settle in. But over the last few years or so, we have struggled with making a choice about a home. We have looked at countless homes. (Charles has his Realtor license, which is very convenient -- we can view homes without the pushy salesman aspect.) But we have not found anything that we really like! We have probably looked at hundreds of homes now, in all areas of our city. We have also considered adding-on to our current home. We have even had plans drawn-up, but we still have our reservations about proceeding -- we can't seem to jump in with both feet. We have even considered staying where we are forever, and seeing if we can pull off 6 people in our 2 bedroom 1 bath, with teenagers. (Doesn't that sound fun?!) We have considered many, many, options. 

But nothing feels right, right now. 

We search, we plan, we hope, and we feel no sense of direction. We settle on one idea for a time, only to feel unsettled about it a week later. 

Our course is not clear. We don't know what move to make. 

However, there is one thing that feels right, the only thing that feels right, and that is... 

WAIT!

Wait. Be patient. Hold your horses. The answers will come… 

So, we wait. 

*Again, we only had to wait 2 weeks after this post for the clot to end Charles' life. We were being protected. Just imagine had we started adding on to our house, or in the process of moving/buying/selling. We were waiting for a reason we could not see, but God could see it. This is exactly why I want to learn to trust God more, and even my own feelings that He gives me. I absolutely don't think you should wait your life away, but if God tells you to be patient, then it is wise to listen. No matter what anyone else tells you.