Our Need for Validation

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We all need to be validated. Validating others comes naturally to some, and takes great effort for others. Personally, I am not always awesome at validation, especially with my children. I try, but I could certainly improve.

Being validated is so important. It is what people are really looking for -- not necessarily solutions to the problem. People are generally looking for understanding, or perhaps simply a compliment, and praise. People need pats on the back emotionally, sometimes more than physically. People want to know they are OK, and that others love them, or see the good in them.

Just consider the "like" button on Facebook. Every "like" = validation.

I think solutions are good too, and I naturally go there with my responses to others -- my desire to want to help fix a problem runs deep. (I definitely want to blog about that later, it has to do with a blessing I received of comfort AND counsel.) You see, my mind automatically searches out a solution to the ailment -- emotional or otherwise -- and I tend to offer a solution to hopefully improve one's life, and make the problem better -- so the future can be better than the moment of trouble. It is as natural for me as breathing to respond this way. But more often than not, it is the friend, not the fix, that people want. Though being a friend that fixes a problem is great!

It's complicated, ya know? Emotions and people are baffling sometimes. Whew! 

I have recently been accused by my children of being "too much of a teacher" sometimes. I am kind of like a personal-trainer mom. I am always spouting off quotes, and encouraging words, telling them what to do, and not do -- but sometimes the hugs, softness, and beautiful side of mothering can escape me. In my defense, I am horribly outnumbered, especially now. (Charles was a proper physical-affection rockstar, according to the children.)

But, I am not past learning or correction -- though I do fight against it internally. It is easy to be soft with little babies, and even toddlers... but as they get older, it is important for me to remember they need hugs and physical love more than ever! I am pretty decent with loving words, and praise -- they confirmed that for me just now -- but they all agreed I could work on my physical affection/validation.

Line up people, hugs all around!

I had a moment the other day, when I actually did the right thing, in response to an emotional need. One of my children came home, and had a frustrating time with something that happened at school, concerning a group grade. This child was frantic and worried, and was talking about how dumb and frustrating the whole thing was. I joined in his frustration and we both got excited and worked-up, trying to find a solution. I was rambling off some words of wisdom, and life-improving enlightenment for the child to feast on. Yummy!

But then I asked myself, "What does this child really need from me right now?

The answer: They need a hug. Emotionally and physically.

Despite myself, I stopped blabbering nonsense and said, "Come here." I put my arms tightly around my child, and said, "I am so sorry, this really stinks."

Almost immediately this child melted into my arms in relief, smiled, and calmed down. This child went on their way in peace, knowing that I love them, and I at least tried to understand them. I let a person to be loved be more important than a problem to be solved. It took effort!

It was an eye-opening moment for me. So much of the time I am responding incorrectly to the concerns of my children, and others. The thing is, most of the time I really don't know what to say, or do, to help soothe and comfort someone's soul. It has never been a strength of mine. I love people with all of my heart, but I would never send myself out to help someone in emotional dire need. Some people seem to be able to naturally handle the emotions of others, and even know the proper thing to do or say -- it is not a forte of mine, to be sure. Give me a week to prepare, and I might be able to come up with the right emotional response!

I am aware that we all have different strengths and weaknesses we have to work on. I am sharing this because I am guessing I am not alone in this weakness. Sometimes just being made aware of something as simple as the need for validation, can change a person's world. Words, hugs, etc., are powerful!

For example, I have the last validating words Charles ever said to me in vinyl on my bathroom mirror. "You are so beautiful, I'm so proud of you." Were they just words? Not to me! To me they are everything. I run those words over and over in my head to validate his love for me, now that he is not here to say such words himself.

Compliments are not hard to give. Really, it takes effort, but it can make a huge difference in someone's life. Look around and see who you can say something nice to. They might hang on those words for a week, or maybe for life. The more you share the light you have, the brighter the world gets. Don't even get me started about the effect of a negative comment, and how long they last in one's brain. It takes great strength of mind and will to overcome a mean-spirited message. But it is possible to rise above, and move forward with confidence that you are AWESOME!

My point here is, watch this video. It is awesome. It is not a church video or anything. My sister sent it to me, it was something she watched for a college course. I really, really, enjoyed it. We even watched it as a family, and had a conversation about how we can all be better at validating others, and even ourselves! That voice in your head, make it say nice things to you! If it's not saying nice things, tell it to STOP! Tell yourself you are amazing, because you are. God said so!

So, watch the video clip, and then tell me what you think, if you have a moment. Or just comment in your head, that works too, cause I can totally read minds. ;)

What does validation mean to you?