Never Alone

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Sometimes it feels like you are alone. At least, sometimes I feel like I am alone. There are some days, or even longer, when it feels like you have been left to handle things on your own, and you wonder if there is anyone who understands. I wonder these things, from time to time.

I started feeling this way a few days ago. There was just a weight placed on my shoulders, and a kind of empty feeling in my soul. I had been sick -- which never helps anything -- and my mind took me to places of loneliness and sorrow. Even though I am surrounded by people often, it is hard not to feel alone... because I walk alone, without a companion to share life with.

There is something truly special about a marriage relationship that brings a sense of purpose and comfort. That is missing from my life now, and sometimes I feel kind of aimless, and without direction. My life and future made sense before, and now... well, I am working on figuring it out. But it is a lonely road, making choices alone for my family.

This pressure of loneliness would not relent. I shed many tears. It was not from a lack of interaction with people, or anything, it was deeper than that. It is part of the process of grieving and working through sorrow, it ebbs and flows, like a river of emotions rushing through my heart, it is unpredictable, and ever changing. I cannot avoid it, I have to work through it. I feel pretty great most of the time, but sometimes it is just hard, and that is an understatement. Walking through the valley of death is fraught with peril and uncertainty.

Finally, yesterday, as I was sitting in the car, waiting to pick up Sammi from school, I just started to cry, and I asked, "Heavenly Father, are you even there?" Can you not see my need? Can you not help me?" My heart ached with these questions. It felt like the angels that normally attend me, had gone on vacation for awhile.

Just as soon as I asked those words to Heaven, a song came on called, "Never Alone," by Hilary Weeks. As I listened to the words, I sat in awe of how perfectly they expressed my feelings. My tears poured out freely, and I knew that He was answering my prayer through music, as He so often does for me -- because music is the way to my soul. He knows that. I know that. He also knows that Hilary Weeks is the angel voice to use to pierce my heart. She who once taught me in primary in Alaska, still teaches me now as an adult.

My spirit began to feel lifted, and lighter. Once again it was made clear to me that, yes, Heavenly Father is there, He can see my need, and He can help me. My angels are never on vacation, but sometimes I need to knock on Heaven's door, and invite them to stay with me awhile.

This time of year can be a challenge. It is dark, it is winter, it is cold, everything is grey and dreary. Sometimes that grey can cover the sunshine in the soul, and block out the light. I do not love January, but I hold onto hope for the spring to come in it's glory, because it will come. The light will come and fill the world with warmth once again.

I find in moments of grief, sorrow, pain, and loneliness, I am never really alone. Sometimes it sure feels like it, but I am not.

While traveling through darkness and shadows, I need to remember to reach for the Light. Because the Light is always there, even when I can't see it through the fog.

We are never alone. Not ever alone.

I think I found a new favorite song.

All of the pictures in this video were taken from my blog after Charles died.