100 Days Without a Kiss

I always enjoyed kissing Charles. Somehow, I have survived 100 days without a kiss from him. And, without being too personal on the subject, let's just say, I cannot wait to kiss him again! I miss his kisses. And his hugs. And, well, everything… 

I miss the way he would look at me with his beautiful brown eyes -- our eyes connected us somehow -- we could look deep into each others soul. He had this special look he would get when he would listen to me talk, his eyes expressed a true interest in the words coming out of my mouth. I miss the pleasantness of his voice. I miss listening to his crazy ideas, and ambitions, and dreams. I miss how he would come and lovingly smack me on my behind, while I would be cooking dinner. I miss how he would cook dinner every Sunday. I miss snuggling with him while watching my sappy love movies, or his manly war/super-hero shows. I miss having him put his arm around me at church, he would stare at me with a twinkle in his eye, confirming his adoration of me. I miss how he looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. I miss how he would lay a big wet smooch on my face after Sunday School class was over, because he knew it embarrassed me. I miss going for walks with him, and solving all of the world's troubles. I miss him waking me up at 3am to talk about things that bothered him. I miss watching him get excited about going to Costco. I miss him being the driver. I miss his beautiful laugh. I miss… well, I could go on and on… forever. I just miss him. 

I miss his physical presence in my life.

I have mentioned before that life now feels like a dream. Even as I write this blog, I cannot believe I am writing these thoughts about life and death. It does not feel real. Sometimes I feel like if I close my eyes, and open them again, he will suddenly be there -- especially when I wake-up in the morning. It just feels like at any moment he is going to walk through the front door, or be in the hall at Church, or be sitting on the couch. Sometimes, when I am just going about my business, I forget that he will not be coming home at the end of the day. Life can sometimes feel totally normal, like it used to be…

But then I remember, I saw him die -- he is not coming home. I will likely have to make it another 100 days without a kiss from him, maybe 1000 days, maybe 70 years… or maybe Jesus will come back, and I will will see him sooner than later. Yeah, I like that plan! :-)

Not too long before he died, Charles and I went for a walk. While we were walking on a dirt trail, I tripped on a rock, and my whole life flashed before my eyes, before I caught myself from falling. (Do you ever have those kind of moments, when something causes you to have a "life jolt"?) Sometimes, I feel like if I were to trip on a rock again, then maybe everything that has happened in the last 100 days would be reversed, and my life would go back to the way it was, when everything was right in the world -- when I had my Charles with me.

It is just so hard to make my brain accept the reality that he is gone from this world. Perhaps it is because his spiritual presence is still so very strongly with us -- it almost fills the void of his physical absence. Almost. (A very small almost!) What has occurred, however, is that I feel like I have one foot in this world, and one in another. The things of this world seem so petty and ridiculous to me now. I have seen a vibrant and charming person living one moment, and gone the next -- without warning. I have seen the frailty of life, and the reality of our bodies being mortal, and death being only one breath away for ALL of us. No matter how healthy, how righteous, how good we are... we do not control the day and time of our departure from this world.

What is also strange, is that I feel that I will not be parted from Charles for very long. 100 days have gone by like lightning. If my life continues on at this accelerated pace, I will be seeing Charles in no time at all! Life is kind of like a dream, and one day, I will open my eyes, and Charles will be there in front of me. If I consider that reunion -- the reunion of Mari and Charles -- my heart starts beating quickly, with anticipation and excitement.

Speaking of anticipation and excitement, I have been thinking about eternity, lately. I have been thinking about life after death. (How can I not think of these things?!) My mind travels to very strange and distant places, as I contemplate the reality of Heavenly Father's plan of salvation. One of the thoughts I have had is regarding the physical body. As of now, Charles' body is slowly wasting away in a casket, within a cement vault, in a hole in the ground, in Idaho City -- the thought is enough to make me sick if I dwell on it too much. (Sorry for putting the thought in your head, but there it is -- it is a reality.) And if that were the end of it all -- if the decaying mortal body was the end of Charles -- I would be driven to madness. I would have no reason to continue on with my life. I would have no joy, or hope, for the future. I would be in despair. To think that we are to live but for a small moment, and then waste away in the dirt -- well, I just do NOT accept that.

The reality is, the grave is not the end! Charles lives still! He is now without his body in the spirit world, for a time. The spirit world is part of this world -- if God were to touch our eyes, we could see the departed spirits around us. Charles can see us, and he is near us. I know it. He is also anxiously working, and waiting, for Jesus to return -- at which point his spirit will be reunited with his body again, in perfect form. Yippee! And depending on when I die, I will be reunited with him either in the spirit world, or when Jesus comes again. Either way, we will be together again. I will be with my true love again… forever. Because of Jesus' act of conquering death, the grave has no victory! Hooray! And because we were sealed in the temple for all eternity, our love has no end. Death does not part us.

So, I do have to wait a bit before I'm with Charles -- maybe lots of hundreds of days -- but I will kiss him again!

And, oh, what a kiss that will be!

P.S. If you have someone to kiss, go and smooch them RIGHT NOW. Smooch the ones you love often! You never know which smooch will be your last -- make them count! 

For more on the PLAN OF SALVATION click: HERE