I Can't Handle This!

"It hurts!" he screamed. "I can't stand it!" my poor William cried. He has been suffering from a case of major sunburn. We spent the day on Saturday playing in the sun by a lake in McCall. (More on the trip later.) William is very fair, and even though he was coated with suntan lotion -- he fried to a fiery crisp.

The shade of red he is sporting is something I am personally very familiar with. We glow-in-the-dark fair people just boil, and lobsterfy in the sun. (And painfully suffer!) I should have known better than to let him take his shirt off while playing in the water. Next time, he will be leaving his shirt on. He readily agrees with me on that.

It has been just horrible for him. The first night was completely awful. He came in and tried to sleep in my bed, but he was up most of the night crying, tossing and turning in pain. He could not find relief in any position. That is when he got up out of my bed, stood in front of me on the floor, and desperately declared, "I can't handle this!" 

Those words have been echoing in my mind ever since his distressing declaration.

As his mother, I feel his pain, and I long to help him find relief. I have personally been through this experience before, and I know the burning and throbbing he has been going through. He described his pain by saying it felt like, "a razor was cutting him over his back." And like, "having bear claws with sparks on the ends scraping him."

Ouch! 

I have been doing my best to tend to his needs, and to help him through the pain. I have even had lovely people come by and drop off items to help his condition. (Thank you!!) We even missed church on Sunday because his pain was too extreme, and we could not get a shirt on him. (Sammi walked to church on her own, but the burned-boys stayed home.) I have been doing everything I can to help him, but all I can really do is be there with him, offering some occasional relief with Aloe, cool washcloths, medicine, and love. But, as I well know -- from my own experiences -- the pain does not go away instantly. He can have some relief from it occasionally, but it will take some time to heal. His burning runs deep.

Today he has had moments where he has randomly started screaming-out in pain. Screaming like I have never heard him scream before -- these are the "razor and bear claw" scraping moments.  The moments where there is no relief -- just burning, just pain. It has really been so sad! (The other kids will testify to that!) 

As William has been going through this painful burning experience, I have been reflecting on the pain I have experienced lately. The way he has been screaming and crying because of physical pain, has reminded me of my own emotional pain in my heart. William described the pain perfectly... razors and bear claws with sparks on them, scraping, burning. That is exactly how my heart can feel during the really painful moments, when the loss of Charles becomes severe, and all-consuming. When all I can do is scream-out and cry.

Ouch.

As I have been with my son -- right next to him -- and watching him endure his pain, I have been taught some Heavenly lessons. The way that William has been screaming has literally been breaking my heart. It has been especially difficult, since I cannot hold him and comfort him -- there is a buffer of physical pain between us. There have been moments where he will be pacing the floor screaming, "OUCH! Why? WHY?" as he shakes his hands, with tears pouring from his eyes.  I have only heard the horrendous noises he has been making one other time -- from myself, on the night of April 1st.

As William screams in pain, I so badly want to reach out and physically comfort him -- or just completely take away his pain -- but I can't. All I can offer are words of comfort, some healing ointments, my love, my prayers, and my attention. I cannot hold him, but I am always there with him. I am always trying to help him heal, as quickly as possible. I am always by his side, attending to him, in his time of need.

Through this experience, my thoughts turn to my Heavenly Father.

As I have recently gone through some of the most agonizing moments of my life, my Heavenly Father has always been with me, next to me, watching over and comforting me, while I endure my pain. He has always been there as I have screamed-out in the quiet of the night, "Ouch! Why? WHY?" He is next to me when the tears stream down my face and I weep, and shake, in desperate sorrow. He watches as I struggle through the pain of razors and electric bear claws scraping my heart -- wishing He could take the pain away, but knowing that I have to go through it, so I can learn and grow from my pain-filled mortal experiences.

I am sure my Heavenly Father longs to physically reach-out to hold me, but there is a buffer between us. He knows the pain I am going through. He is there offering words and feelings of comfort, healing, and love. He also knows that even though the pain is so intense for me now -- while the wound is fresh and exposed -- eventually the pain will ease with time, as my heart heals from the scraping and burning, from the loss of my precious husband.

As William's mother, I know that he will heal from the pain and agony from his sunburn -- he does not know it, but I do. All he feels is pain right now. He does not see relief, or healing. But I have been through this painful experience before myself, I know the pain, I also know that healing is possible, and it will happen. I am so excited for William to heal, and be whole again, so he can free, and be himself again. In the meantime… I am there for him, doing everything I can to heal him. I am his mother, and I love him dearly.

Heavenly Father -- He who can see the end from the beginning -- knows that, with time, I too will heal from the burning that is in my heart, from the loss of my sweetheart, Charles. He knows the pain of loss, loneliness, and agony that I have felt. He also knows that one day, I will heal, and be whole. He knows that one day, my joy will be greater than my pain. I have been promised, "joy and happiness beyond anything I have ever experienced." I hold to that promise. I have to do my part in order for it to apply… but joy and happiness sounds good to me!

I will freely admit, that there have been moments where I, too, have felt like, "I can't handle this!"  

And the truth is, I can't. I cannot handle this… not without my Heavenly Father, who loves me dearly, and is always with me, helping me heal, and giving me hope.

I cannot do this without him. But with Him -- with God -- all things are possible.

All things are possible.  

Handle this, I can. Handle this, I must. Handle this, I will!  

P.S. William is sleeping peacefully right now. He heals a little more each day. (Me too!)