If You Could Turn Back Time

If you could change the past, would you do it? That is the question I asked my children last night, after studying the scriptures together as a family. We sat in the living room, which was glowing with the Spirit, and we had an enlightening conversation. I love the Spirit-thick conversations that happen with my family, they are the best!

Each child pondered my question for a moment. "Would they change the past?" Some of them were thinking while doing somersaults, hanging upside-down on a chair, and having their back rubbed by me. And then they each answered a surprising answer...

Each one of them said, "No." 

They would not change the past. Not even the bad stuff.

I was a bit surprised at their answers. So, of course, my next question was, "Why not?" 

They each randomly let their answers fly. They said they would not know what they know now, had daddy not died. They would not have the empathy, and increased understanding that they have now. They have each gotten stronger, and developed in unexpected ways. They said they value all the love that has been extended to us, and they particularly are grateful for the wonderful relationships that have formed as a result. The consensus is they all feel stronger because of conquering the tragedy. They know that daddy is always with us, and they are all still happy, and they enjoy life as it is now.

This made my mother heart really happy.

I had an older man at church come up to me, and tell me how he wished he had taken his children to see a counselor when his wife died. He did not, and he felt like he should have, because they grew up to have regrets, and the children even blamed themselves for the mother's death. How sad. My heart ached for him, and his family.

However, for my family, my children have expressed the opposite desire. They want nothing to do with counselors, therapy, or anything like it. When Charles first died, the school counselors wanted to meet with them. I allowed it. But my children found it very unhelpful, because they knew nothing of our beliefs, and how we have coped with the loss, and how we have a great hope despite death. Each child pleaded for me to make sure they never had to visit with them again. It made them feel like they were in trouble, or guilty, or different. They hated that. Their request was eagerly granted by me. I don't really like the idea of someone else infusing thoughts on death, emotions, and coping ideas into my children's heads. That is my job.

I am not a professionally trained therapist, but my children know they can always come and talk to me about anything, and I am always reminding them of that fact. If I were to pursue a career, it would likely be as a counselor, so it's not that I don't believe that counseling is good and helpful -- I do, and it can be very helpful. But I also feel like, for me, and my house -- I am the therapist. I can provide the comfort, counsel, validation, and the tools to help them cope with their feelings and emotions. They want it from me, and no one else. That may change as they get older, I don't know. But my office is always open, and laying on my couch to chat is free and comfortable, and can come with a side-order of hugs and kisses.

My children have been handling the death of a parent like champions. They have blown me away with their capacity to move forward with faith and hope. We live in extremely close quarters, and so it would be clear if someone was struggling. If I see a child needs some extra love and attention, I do my best to give it to them. I am not perfect, but I do adore these children of mine.

What has been our saving grace, is the foundation of faith we are built on as a family. All of our habits and routines of scripture, prayer, fasting, family home evening, etc., are all still in place, and we have not missed a day throughout all of the major life-changing events. We don't just learn of the plan of salvation -- we live and breathe it, with a key member of our house walking the streets of the spirit world. Having the gospel of Jesus Christ as the center of our home and family has been everything to us. Jesus is everything to us.

When it comes to the gospel, and infusing it into my family, I am passionate and persistent. I can't help it. I just love Jesus. I love Him so much. It brings my heart great joy as a mother to see my children grow in their love for Him too. Sometimes I have been the one with the questions, and I had a child say to me, "Mom, you just need to have more faith." She was right.

So, if I could, would I change the past? Would I bring Charles back, or keep him from dying?

Part of me says, "Yes, bring him back!" But the more wise part of me says no. I do not know if this tragedy is meant to be part of my life, I just know that it is, and it has shaped me into who I am today. I know that God knows all things, and that His very hand is guiding and directing my life, and my family, into the future. And that future is full of hope and excitement. And Charles is not really in the past... he is in the present, in the now. He is always with us.

We cannot go back... time marches on.

So we keep moving forward, with faith.

And that is the right thing to do.