Flicker of Memory

I love to see pictures of the past. My brother sent me this picture of Charles awhile ago. It was one I had never seen. It is from around the time we got married, sometime in the first year. I love it when I receive pictures of Charles. Pictures are a beautiful way to recall memories and time gone by. They are treasures.

When I showed this picture to the kids they said, "Wow, daddy was hot!" Of course, I readily agreed. Indeed, Charles was hot. And I am sure he is still as handsome as ever. I love my beautiful Charles.

In this picture I see a face full of hope for the future. We were just starting out, and though that first year of marriage was challenging, it was also full of dreams and endless potential. Some dreams were fulfilled, and some potential was reached... but it all seemed to be cut very short. When Charles died we were really just getting started. We were finally getting settled after years and years of struggling through school, we were starting to see the fruits of our labors, and then -- that dream ended. His physical future abruptly ceased when a clot entered his lung, and stopped his heart... and mine.

I am still hoping my heart will start beating normally again... someday. 

15 years with Charles now seems like a dream. I know I went through all that time with him, experiencing real and intense moments of life -- but now all of that life is but a flicker of memory, an intangible reality that happened in the past. Sometimes I feel I can barely hold on to the memories. They come and flee so quickly -- like lightning. But I have to live in the now, in my today. I reach back for him in my mind -- for something to hold on to -- but I am always left wanting.

Life is such a fleeting thing, really. We make such big plans for ourselves, always worrying about tomorrow and things to come. I wonder if we really stop and breathe in the relationships and love that we have in our lives. Loving relationships are everything. I hope we don't take them for granted. If I were given another chance to do it again, I would shower Charles with my love much more freely. I am not saying I didn't shower my love on him, I am just saying I would unleash my love even more powerfully. I certainly will when I have the chance again! I have felt such aching and longing there are no words, only feelings that I cannot describe. Only those who have gone through death know the excruciating pain and fire that burns deep within your core.

Being separated by death is torture, it really is. My only consolation is the reality of seeing him again someday, and that reality helps -- but right now, being without him hurts. And I imagine it will continue to hurt for a very long time. It hurts so much, because I love him so much. Time is healing, but the aching remains steady. It has changed from a constant stabbing pain in my heart, to more of a tender bruise. I still feel like it is all a dream, and one day I will wake-up from it, and he will be there.

Someday, I will wake-up, and he will be there.

One day, someone you love will die. I thought that time for me would come much later than it did. I thought I had a lifetime ahead with the man that I love -- my children thought the same thing. But he was taken back to the God who gave him life, while still in his prime. You just never know when you could lose someone precious to you. You never know when it will be your turn to experience the intense sorrow and grief of death. I do not wish the pain on anyone... but it is an inescapable reality.

People die.

Yesterday is a memory today. You cannot get it back again. You cannot reach back into the past and offer extra love and hugs... the past is gone. It is so important to make your today count so your memories will be beautiful tomorrow. They will flicker in your mind throughout your future, and give you cause to smile, and even cry. You will even take your memories with you when you die.

I am not trying to be depressing, but I am trying to help remind how precious life is. You cannot control it. But you can enjoy it! You can live, and laugh, and love more deliberately. You can make your time on earth count. You can make today a day to remember.

When this life is said and done, it will all be but a memory... a mere flicker in our forever.

Make it bright.