Filling the Crater in my Heart

I want to make something very clear. Just because I am determined to find joy and be courageous, does not mean that my natural disposition is to happiness, and lack of fear. I certainly wish that I was a sunshine-in-my-soul, fear-free kind of person -- but that is not who I am.

No, the reality is being happy and having courage is a daily battle for me. I do not wake-up with sunshine and roses in my head -- I have to put them there. I certainly do not wake-up without fear and doubt -- I have to command fear away as soon as my eyes pop open in the morning. The reason I chose the words "cling to courage" and the reason I say that "I choose happiness" is because that is exactly what I have to do, every single day.

When Charles died, a crater formed in my heart. There is this empty space. There is a void that was created when he took his last breath. Something deep inside me sunk within my soul. When he left his physical body for a more perfect world, I felt my dreams for my mortal future disintegrate before my eyes. Charles is my forever dream, and he was my traveling through earth life dream too. Everything I was doing with my life was connected to him. All of my hopes for good things to come as we grew old included him, of course. 

But that is all different now. My life, my dreams, my future… it has all changed. I used to have a vision of what the future might hold, you know, just the normal growing old with my husband and children kind of vision. But now… I have no idea what my future holds. Not a clue.

All I can do now is take life one day at a time. I used to read little quotes about "living in the now" and I would smile at them. But now, I know what that means. All I have for sure is right now. My breath could leave my body at any time. Charles was there one minute in all his beautiful vitality, and the next minute he was lying on a hospital bed without any vital signs. It was shocking, it was beyond comprehension.

My sweet love is gone from me. My heart has a hole in it.

There is no way for me to express the love I have for Charles. Our whole story was a miracle and filled with a rose-colored romance, in my eyes. I have a very difficult time imagining ever being able to love someone else. I prefer loneliness to a lesser love in my life. Because, well, I am a romantic kind of person, and the power of love is something really special to me. Wow, someone else would have to be so crazy special… seriously, I just cannot imagine such a person. I think Charles just took my romantic-love capacity with him. My desire to love someone else does not exist in my heart -- maybe it will one day. It's hard to imagine though.

It is true that I often feel lonely without him. Sure, I am surrounded by people often, and my children whom I adore -- but it is not the same as having a best friend who lives with you, and cares about all the little details of your life. I sure miss talking to him all the time, about everything. He was a skilled and charming listener. It is a good thing I like to write my thoughts and feelings out, or else I think I would have some real troubles keeping all my guts and glory inside of me.

The loneliness I feel is something that can only be filled by him though, so I am not sure how that will play out in the future. I really am counting on Jesus coming back sooner than later. Is that too much to ask?

The thing is, I cannot change what has happened… all I can do is choose what I will do with my new life. I have to choose how I will respond to what has happened.

I choose to fill the crater in my heart with faith.

How do I do that? 

Each day I fill my life with good uplifting things. These are things outside of normal crazy daily activities which include changing poopy diapers, making food, tending to teenagers and toddlers, and taking care of business stuff, etc., etc.

Before doing anything else I pray before I even get out of bed. I talk to my Heavenly Father and beg Him for help. Then, starting with the morning driving routine, I pick music that I love to listen to, that lifts my spirit, and makes me smile. We often sing along with the music while driving to school. Throughout the day I will read articles on www.lds.org, I read my scriptures, and my gospel doctrine manual. Some days I grab my camera and take pictures of beautiful things that I see. I run almost every day to connect with God, and Charles, and to strengthen my physical body. Running outside is key to feeling happy, for me. I try to find little ways to serve others. I do my family history. And I go at least once a week to the temple. Oh, and I blog, too. :)

These are just a few of the ways that I have been able to strengthen myself, and help fill the hole in my heart. I do not want to even think what a mess I would be if I did none of these things. Yikes! 

My point is that the crater in my heart needs to be filled. It is not a hole that will ever be filled by another person -- even if someone else comes into my life -- it is a crater that can only be filled by coming to Jesus. And in order to come to Jesus, I have to do what He has asked me to do -- and that takes effort. But the effort is not only worth it, but necessary to my happiness and my courage to carry on.

As I do His will, my perspective becomes Eternal, rather than a chaotic inferno in my brain.

It is one of those miracles you can only experience if you make the effort yourself. For me, my efforts have made all the difference in the world! Yes, happiness takes a GREAT effort!

The crater is there in my heart, always. Each day the hole is freshly exposed, and each day I have to do what it takes to fill it up again. Starting in the morning, until the end of the night -- it takes persistent and consistent effort. Keeping my heart whole is a daily battle. A daily fight. It is a fight I am willing to engage in!

Because it is oh, so, worth it!

Each day I get to choose courage and joy, and above all else -- I choose Jesus.

Because of Him, one day, the crater in my heart will be gone forever.

Instead of a hole in my heart, I will be whole in my heart.

And that is something to cling to… a reason to have courage.

P.S. Will you help me test the comments section? Many people have told me they have trouble leaving a comment. If you cannot use your own sign-in name, just select anonymous. Thanks so much! - Mari